“Ya Bilge-Suckin’ Dogfish!” or How the Writer’s Craft Helped Me Out-Pirate Jack Sparrow

The past few weeks have added some more obstacles in my quest of achieving that elusive balance between work(writing) and life which I so desperately seek. When I analyzed these challenges from multiple perspectives, however, I realized evening the scales wasn’t a matter of placing more weight on one side or the other this time. What I needed to do was recalibrate the scale altogether.

Pi-rate

There’s no scientific method or instruction manual I’m aware of for adjusting whatever scale one uses to measure work-life balance. Sure, there’s plenty of advice out there in books, journals, and the internet, but I came up with my own procedure.

Redefining “Balance”

First, I needed to decide what things I would put on each side of the scale. This meant re-labeling those sides (sort of).

This is why I needed to come up with my own procedure.

Calling the trays of the balancing scale “work” and “life” doesn’t exactly apply to what I’m trying to measure. In an earlier post [Rebalancing the Scale When Life’s Boot Is On Your Throat] I even had a graphic that clearly showed I was dealing with a “writing” and “life” balance issue. This might seem like splitting hairs, especially if writing IS my work, but I’ll tell you why it makes a difference in my case.

When I used to tell my wife and kids I was “going to work,” that meant getting in the car and driving 45-90 minutes in bumper-to-bumper traffic up U.S. 1 to travel 13.8 miles to my assigned cubicle at an office just outside Washington, D.C. I’d spend 9-10 hours (or more), 5 days a week, doing “important” government work that at times was quite satisfying–though mostly it was downright boring. And I was miserable.

Now when I say I’m “going to work,” one of two things happens: I either shut myself in my home office upstairs to read and write, or I drive 30 minutes down U.S. 1 with no traffic, dressed as a pirate, to work 4-7 hours, 5-6 days a week, at the St. Augustine Pirate & Treasure Museum where EVERY day is more fun than I deserve.

So my work–as it stands today–isn’t really “work” at all…not in the vein of the mundane, tedious, clock-watching drudgery in cubeville it used to be. In a way, my “work” is also my “life.” And I have no problem with that.

As far as I know, neither does my family. (Maybe because I’m not as grumpy as I used to be.)<–my daughter might disagree with that last part

Thus, rather than “work” and “life,” I chose to focus on finding that “writing” and “life” balance.

“But you said writing was your life.”

True. Hence the need to recalibrate the scale. Where it used to be easy to separate “work” from “life,” that distinction is less clear now. Sure, driving kids to soccer practice, doing the laundry, or cooking dinner, can easily be binned as “life” on one side of the scale, but writing is a little more fuzzy.

Sure, this blog and the book I’m in the process of completing are clearly “writing” elements in the whole balancing act, but something happened last night that made me think there are more things than I was aware of that, on the surface, seem to lie squarely on the “life” side, but which in truth have all the hallmarks of writing.

I met Captain Jack Sparrow!

Okay. We’ve all seen at least one of the five Pirates of the Caribbean movies, right? So you know who Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is.

Well, last night there was an event in St. Augustine where a band of pirates took over one of the Old Towne Trolley tour trains and made their way through the Ancient City, eventually debarking said train and taking over historic St. George Street.

I was working the 11-close shift at the museum, a I missed all the shenanigans. But at about 5:30 p.m., through the Fort Alley entrance, none other than Captain Jack himself graced Ye Olde Treasure Shoppe with his presence (with Moon Mermaid in tow, no less)!

Mermaid-Jack.png

Okay, it wasn’t Johnny Depp, but aside from a slightly deeper voice, this man was every bit the same Jack Sparrow you saw on the big screen. From the moment he walked in the door, Captain Jack was nothing but. He NEVER broke character! Not when I sold him and his crew tickets into the museum, not whole he was inside viewing our over 800 authentic pirate artifacts (including “his” sword from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl) and interacting with other museum visitors, and not even when he spent about 15 minutes looking through the treasure shop and purchasing a magnet from me.

He had every tattoo that the movie Jack has, including the East India Company “P” branding. Only, unlike Johnny Depp, this man’s tattoos were real (I know because we compared swallows on our forearms–my left, his right). Even the hair was real. By all accounts, this man was–is–Jack Sparrow.

But here is why I said I “out-pirated” the good captain–and how this made me realize that sometime elements of my “life” could just as easily be labeled “writing.”

Meet Smilin’ Matt Blackheart

Blackheart

Yes, that’s me. I was wearing this same outfit the night I met Jack Sparrow. I can’t tell you enough (or more than I already have) about how well the man who came into the museum last night played the part of the character Johnny Depp made famous. He is by far the best “Jack Sparrow” I’ve come across. But how do I know he was playing the part well?

Because I’ve seen the movies.

I suspect that’s pretty much how “Jack” got so good at the speech, dress, mannerisms, etc. of Johnny Depp’s character. He watched the movies…probably A LOT of times.

He’s good. Very good.

But what about the guy who has a raspy voice, or an uncontrollable eye-twitch, or *gasp* no tattoos? Right off the bat, we’d say, “meh, he’s alright, but he’s not ‘the’ Jack Sparrow.”

And why is that?

I’ll tell you why. Because we ALL know what Jack Sparrow looks like–from his hair and tattoos, to his mannerisms and slightly tipsy gait (or speech for that matter). We don’t REALLY need to know anything about Jack Sparrow except what we saw in the movies.

If our nighttime museum visitor sticks to the script, I doubt he’ll ever be called a phony.

But what if you asked him something about Jack’s past that wasn’t in the movies? What if someone asked him the same question an hour–or a week, or month– later? Would he give the same answer?

Maybe. (He WAS pretty darn good.)

But I don’t have the luxury of watching five movies (or even one) about Matt Blackheart. No sir. Everything I know about that sea-dog I had to invent myself. But remember, I work at the Pirate MUSEUM (i.e. we have REAL pirate stuff–all kinds). And I’m all about realism…especially when it comes to pirates!

Jack Sparrow is a fictional character with a fictional background who “lives” in a fictional world.

Smilin’ Matt Blackheart is also a fictional character, so I get to choose his mannerisms, and the way he dresses, etc. But I got to WRITE his backstory. And it took me days to find the right pirate(s) at the right time(s) to develop a plausible background that would allow me to engage museum-goers on more than just a superficial, hand-waving, slurred speech, swaying level. In other words, I get to teach history, not just remind people of the great time that had at the movie theater.

So when someone asks me about my (Blackheart’s) past, I get tell them all about the Pirate Round, Thomas Tew, Henry Every, and the battle with the Indian Grand Mughal’s fleet in the Red Sea in August 1695.

(Oh, and because Blackheart is fictional, I get to choose his mannerisms, the way he talks, the way he dresses, etc. I also get to yell at customers who are abusing the toy pistols and rifles in the treasure shop in a loud piratical voice, “ONLY TWO CLICKS ON THOSE GUNS YA BILGE-SUCKIN’ DOGFISH!! –or– …YA MANGY BILGERATS!! –or– …YA SLIMY PLANK-WORMS!! “Jack Sparrow” would never get away with that 🙂  But I got promoted to manager for it….I love my job!)

Here’s a one-pager on Smilin’ Matt Blackheart’s background. Feel free to read it or not. Either way, thanks for stopping by!

Matt-Blackheart-Bio

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